


This Isn't About the Fish, Derek Hale

by chantelle82



Series: The Rules of Romance [3]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, M/M, roommates!AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-17
Updated: 2013-04-17
Packaged: 2017-12-08 17:34:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,357
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/764105
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chantelle82/pseuds/chantelle82
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Stiles decides to become a parent to a bouncing baby goldfish named Keith.  Derek has a date.</p>
            </blockquote>





	This Isn't About the Fish, Derek Hale

“There needs to be odes written about that carbonara.  Poems.  Sonnets.  It’s gloriousness needs to be sprinkled across the stars,” Stiles announced with his arms held wide.  He was completely oblivious to the strange looks he was receiving from people who were trying to dodge him as he walked down the sidewalk.

“You just get right on that,” Derek grumbled behind him.

It was Surprise Tuesday and Scott had decided to treat everybody to Messini’s – an Italian place a few blocks from their apartment.  The food was good, but hearing Stiles spout his undying devotion to _pasta_ for the last half an hour had kind of soured the experience.

Scott smirked at Derek and jogged to catch up with Stiles.  Derek followed along behind them.  He still couldn’t believe how much his life had changed since he’d moved into Crazy Town.  Scott and Stiles were _in_ his life now.  And he’d spent his Sunday getting to know Stiles’ friends, Danny and Boyd.  For the life of him, he couldn’t figure out how they were so cool and normal…and friends with _Stiles_.

Derek caught up with his two roommates when Scott stopped to answer his phone.  “Allison!  Hey.  No, not much.  How ‘bout you?” he said as he moved to lean up against a store window.

Stiles scowled and continued to walk down the street.  Derek knew that the guy was still having issues about having to suddenly share his best friend.  What did he expect?  That he and Scott would live together forever in their blanket fort of weirdness?  Actually that was probably exactly what Stiles thought.

Derek and Stiles walked side by side a few steps until Stiles suddenly stopped, stepped backwards and then forwards again.  “That fish is _totally_ checking me out.”

Sighing, Derek looked at his idiot roommate jumping side to side and then turned to look at the goldfish in the pet store window.  He had to admit, it did kind of look like the fish was swimming in whatever direction Stiles moved.  Kind of.

Derek went to keep walking, but Stiles ran in front of him and into the shop.  Great, just what their apartment needed.  A self-aware goldfish.  Derek sat on a bike rack to wait.

“Hey.  Where’d Stiles go?” Scott asked as he walked up in front of him.  Derek nodded to the pet shop where Stiles was currently pointing out his fish to the store attendant.  “No, no, no.  You didn’t let him look in the window?!  You’re supposed to distract him!”

“How the hell am I supposed to know that?  What’s the big deal?  It’s a fish!” Derek said as he stood up.  Honestly, Scott and Stiles always just expected him to have some innate working knowledge of their entire lives.

Before Scott could reply, Stiles bounded out of the store – fish in one hand and a shopping bag with a bowl and hopefully food, in the other.  “Keith, this is Scott and Derek.  Scott and Derek, meet Keith.”

Scott frowned at Derek like he’d just kicked a puppy.  How is _this_ his life now?

 

*****

 

“That was a really great show today,” Lydia said as she came out of her booth and perched herself on the desk beside Derek.  “That third caller with the domineering mother?…Could be your best one yet.”

Derek twisted in his chair to look at her.  “What do you want?”  He knowingly asked.  Complimentary Lydia usually came along with Ask a Favour Lydia.

“What are you doing Friday night?”

“Well, that’s Mexican Friday…So I’ll probably be looking at a statue – of a person I’ve never even met – dressed as Speedy Gonzalez.  You know – the usual.”

“Yeah, that’s not something you should say out loud in a public space,” Lydia said as she smoothed a hand over her hair.  “But, actually, you have a date.   With a lovely woman named Jennifer.  Don’t screw it up.”

“Lydia, no.  I know that you think that I-“ Derek was stopped by her hand on his mouth.

“No, I _know_ that you need this.  You haven’t been with anybody since Kate and it’s causing you to fixate on your roommate.”

“I am not _fixating_ on Stiles!” Derek argued as he pushed her hand away.

“So you _didn’t_ spend an hour on Monday freaking out about something you called ‘Mole-gate 2013’?  I dreamed that, did I?  Trust me, Derek Hale, _you_ do not make any kind of appearance in my dreams.”

Derek frowned.  Sure, he’d been a _little_ worried when he ended up spending a sleepless night thinking about licking Stiles’ mole…but that was done with.  He was completely over it.

“…And don’t tell me that you’re over it.”  Of course, the devil vixen in front of him knew what he was thinking.  “Why don’t you just give it a try?  Jennifer’s a really nice woman and she _really_ likes you.”

“How is that possible?  I’ve never even met her.”

“Oh, hon. I don’t think you realize how much of yourself you share on the air each day.”

“She’s probably a crazy fan, then.  I don’t have time for that,” Derek said, standing up and walking over to his duffel bag.

“She’s not crazy, she’s a nurse.  And I’ve been working out with her at the gym for nearly three months now – she’s completely normal…Did you notice how I mentioned the gym?  That was supposed to be a hint that she’s got a rocking bod’ – which she does.”

“Yeah, I got that.”  Derek headed over to the door.  “But the answer’s still no…and before you say anything – it’s not because I’m fixating on anybody,” Lydia gave him a sceptical look, “-it’s because I’m just not ready.  Don’t push this.”

Lydia hopped off of the desk.  “Fine.  I won’t push.”  She turned to head back to her booth.  “But I’m not cancelling.  You’ll see.  You’ll be calling before Friday, desperate to make sure the date’s still on.”

Derek shook his head.  He really needed better friends.

 

*****

 

As Derek let himself into the apartment, he had to double check that he was in the right place.  It was silent.  Gloriously and beautifully silent.  There was nobody spying on the neighbours or trying to play Jenga using people as the pieces.  It was just quiet.

Derek walked into the kitchen and saw Keith happily swimming in his bowl on the table.  Marilyn Monroe!Jackson was keeping him company – with a straw going from his mouth to the goldfish bowl.  Apparently it was cocktail hour for bust!Jackson.

He opened his bedroom door and was suddenly pulled violently into his room and the door was quickly slammed closed behind him.  Derek took a few seconds to get his bearings.  Scott was looking at him wide-eyed, while Stiles seemed to be half-leaning out the window dressed in clothes that looked suspicious familiar.  His.

“What the…I don’t even know how or where to start!  What are the two of you doing?!”

Scott sat down on the bed and ran a hand through his hair.  “Bees, dude.  Bees.  There was like _three_ of them in the apartment!”  Derek was distracted from asking a follow-up question by his other, clothes-stealing, roommate.

“Hang on, hang on!  A little to the left.  Yep. Yep.  Lower.  That’s it.  Got it!  You are my god, Greenberg.  I blaspheme only for you.”  Stiles turned around holding two boxes of pizza as Derek saw what looked like a twisted bed sheet disappear back to the apartment above.  “Dinner is served.”

Derek watched, in what he could only describe as shock, as his roommates sprawled over his bed and opened one of the pizza boxes.  “You do know that ‘bees’ is not an adequate explanation for whatever the hell you two are doing in here.  Why are you in _my_ room?  Why is Stiles wearing _my_ clothes?  And where the hell did those pizzas just come from?!”

“Chill out, dude,” Stiles said, relaxing back on the pillow – Derek’s pillow.  “Look, we got a Hawaiian just for you…For the eventuality that you actually made it through the obstacle course of bees alive.  Eat.”  Derek just frowned.  “Fine.  There were bees, Scott screamed, I was in the shower, dashed out when I heard my bro in trouble, bees chased us, locked ourselves in your room, got hungry, ordered pizza to Greenberg’s, he delivered it to us.   That’s it.  Oh, and I borrowed your clothes.  I was only in a towel for most of that story.”  Stiles turned to Scott.  “Did I miss anything?”

“Nope, that’s about it,” Scott said, wolfing down a piece of pepperoni.

“Right.  Okay.”  Derek didn’t know why he’d expected any saner story than that, really.  “But the bees are gone, so can you two move this into the kitchen?”

“Are you sure?  Maybe they’re just sleeping, waiting for a sneak attack,” Scott said, standing up and warily listening at the door.

“There’s nothing but Keith and Jackson out there.  I think you’re safe.”

Stiles jumped out of the bed, spilling half of the Hawaiian pizza onto the bedspread.  “Keith!  He’s gotta be fed.  Damn it.”  He turned back to put the pizza back in the boxes, while Scott slowly opened the bedroom door and peered out.

“It looks good.  I’m gonna do it.  I’m heading out there.”  Scott opened the door wide and tip-toed out of the room.

“Solidarity, brother!” Stiles called out as he half-heartedly tidied up Derek’s bed.  “Don’t worry, I’ll just strip it tomorrow.”

“Hey.  I want those clothes back!”

Stiles stopped at the door, his back to Derek.  “Whatever.”  He reached a hand around the back of his neck and began to pull the shirt off.

Derek’s eyes widened as he watched the slow exposure of Stiles’ back.  Of the pale, soft looking skin.  The lean muscle.  Oh god…and the moles.  His back was literally littered with them.  Derek quickly faced his bookshelf.

“Not now.  Later.  Whenever.”

“You are hard to please, dude,” Stiles said, walking out to the kitchen.

Derek took a deep breath and reached into his pocket to pull out his phone.  “Lydia!  About Friday…”

 

*****

 

“No, not that one.  It’s too…chesty,” Peter said while he reclined back on the bed.

“I don’t even know what that means,” Derek complained, looking down at the olive green shirt.  The eighth shirt he’d tried on so far.

“While I admit that your cleavage looks absolutely magnificent in it, I really don’t think that’s the look you’re going for.  You aren’t supposed to compete for ‘best breasts’ with the woman you’re going out with…But what a fabulous competition that would be,” Peter finished with a dreamy look in his eyes.

“Ughh, I really don’t have time for another shower.  Why are you here again?” Derek pulled off what he would now always call his ‘boob shirt’ and picked up the – what Peter had called – gunmetal gray button-up.

“You have a date.  Do I really have to explain myself anymore than that?”  They heard the front door close and Peter sat up.  “Is that Stiles?  You’re boring me.  Maybe I can make that boy blush.  His cheeks do turn a quite fetching shade of pink when I’m around.  It’s my gift.”

Derek rolled his eyes, as he looked himself over in the mirror.  Hair looked good, pants looked good…Derek shot a look at his uncle to make sure he wasn’t looking and then hunched over slightly…No cleavage, good.

“I saw that.  You’ve got the boys successfully contained,” Peter declared before opening the bedroom door and walking out into the kitchen.  “Oh, he makes it so easy.”  Derek followed to see Stiles bent over the kitchen table, staring at Keith.  “Stiles, hold that position while I get my phone out.  That ass of yours needs to be captured for all eternity as my wallpaper.”

The fact that Stiles didn’t react was a pretty clear sign something was up.  Derek walked up closer, resting a hand on the back of one of the chairs.  “Is everything okay, Stiles?”

“Keith’s swimming a little lopsided.  Is that a bad thing?”  Stiles tore his gaze away from the fishbowl to look up at him.  Derek was completely dumbfounded.  The look in Stiles’ eyes was…Derek could only describe it as one hundred percent sincerity.  That look was strangely unnerving coming from Stiles.

“I have no idea.  I’ve never had a fish before.”

Peter walked up beside him and peered at the fish.  It’s right fin seemed to be moving a tiny bit slower than the left.  “I think you better get your flushing finger ready.”  He looked at Derek.  “It’s time to go.  And remember – if you can’t wait until you find a bed, don’t put your lady down on any surfaces in the public bathroom.  It’s not gentlemanly.”

“Thanks,” Derek said sarcastically.  Peter let himself out of the apartment, not before pointing to the fish and mimicking flushing it down the toilet.  Derek ignored him.  Stiles hadn’t even noticed.

“So…I’ve gotta go.  When’s Scott getting home?”  Hopefully _he_ knew what to do when Stiles looked like this.

“He’s spending the night at Allison’s.”  Stiles straightened up.  “It’s fine.  Keith’s fine.  Go.  I’ve got stuff to do.  Frida Kahlo!Jackson won’t dress himself.”

Derek watched as Stiles went to his room and closed the door.  This wasn’t something to worry about.  Right?  No, of course not.  He grabbed his jacket and headed off to his hopefully un-horrific date.

 

****

 

The date was horrific.  Hideous.  Disturbing. 

Derek never wanted to think about this night ever again.  He was going to _kill_ Lydia.  Apparently, Jennifer and his uncle had hooked up – once – at a bar.  Derek had learned, over three torturous courses, that she was definitely not over him.  And had thought that it would be a good idea to get Peter’s nephew to reunite them.

Derek would’ve loved to torture Peter with this woman, but that would mean having to see her again.  Plus, Peter’s revenge plans could be pretty painful.  Derek definitely didn’t want to be on the wrong side of those.

It was quiet in the apartment.  Damn it.  Derek had learned his lesson from last time – quiet equalled bad here.  He looked in the kitchen to see Keith no longer in his bowl, but in a casserole dish filled with water.

The fish didn’t look good.  His right fin seemed to have stopped working all together, forcing him to be pretty much on his side – his left fin was now on top, making slow movements every few seconds.

Derek craned his head around to look for Stiles.  He could hear sounds coming from the bathroom, so he headed to the door and walked in to see Stiles standing at the bathroom sink, furiously scrubbing at the inside of Keith’s bowl.  Tears were streaming down his face.  Derek thought he should really know what to do at times like this but his mind was blank.

“Stiles?  Hey.  What happened?” He asked as he walked closer.

Stiles quickly wiped a hand over his face.  “Nothing.  You know you should really wash these regularly.”  He ran some water over the rag in his hand and began to scrub again.

“Stiles.  I don’t think that-“ Derek began before Stiles dropped the rag, picked up the bowl and pushed past him to go back into the kitchen.  Derek reached over to turn off the faucet and then followed.

He walked out to see Stiles just staring at Keith, who was valiantly bobbing around with his one good fin.

Is he supposed to ignore the fact that Stiles was crying again?  Derek took a step closer, but Stiles just straightened up and headed to the kitchen sink to fill up the fishbowl, and grabbed the pH kit from the bottom cabinet.

Derek knew he was not the right person for his roommate right now.  He reached into his pocket for his phone and sent a text to Scott:  _Think fish is about to die.  I don’t know what to do with Stiles._

He watched as Stiles placed the tester into the water and was shocked when his phone started ringing.  Scott.  Derek stepped away into the lounge before he answered.

“Hey,” he whispered.

“I’m on my way home,” Scott said on the other end.

“I don’t know what to do, Scott.  He’s not…Stiles,” Derek said, running a frustrated hand through his hair.

“I knew this was a bad idea.  I knew it!”  Derek had never heard Scott so angry.  He was always the calm, quiet one.  Everything was bizarro-land tonight.  “Just don’t…Damn it…Don’t let him drink anything.”  With that, he hung up.

He had kind of already guessed that Stiles must’ve had issues with alcohol, but it was pretty much confirmed now.  All Derek could keep thinking was: this was a _fish_.  He knew Stiles had issues about Scott’s new life, but not anything that would lead to this.

He made his way back to the kitchen.  Stiles was still preparing the water like it was a delicate surgery.  Derek looked down at Keith.  Damn it.  Some time during the phone call to Scott, the stupid goldfish had given up and was now just floating lifelessly at the top of the casserole dish.  Derek just stared at the back of his roommate's head, clueless.

Stiles turned around and saw that Keith was gone.  “Oh,” he said calmly, but Derek noticed that his hands were shaking.  “I killed him, you know.”

“Stiles, no.  Hey-“ Derek went to step towards him but Stiles stopped him with a slight raise of his hand.

“There was a bee and I sprayed a heap of fly spray around.”  Derek decided he hated Stiles’ eerily calm voice.  “I didn’t think ‘til later, when I noticed Keith swimming funny, that the poison probably settled in the water.”  Stiles rubbed his neck and then picked up the casserole dish.  “Okay.”

Derek watched as he walked into the bathroom.  He heard Stiles pour the contents of the dish into the toilet and then flushed it down.  He then walked back out into the kitchen and placed the dish in the sink.

“I’ll cook something for dinner now.  I’ve got ground beef for nachos in the fridge.”  Derek didn’t want to bring up the fact that he’d already eaten, or that it was just past 11 o’clock at night.

Stiles opened the fridge and just stood there, not moving at all.  Derek stepped up behind him.  “Stiles, come on.”  He awkwardly put his hand on Stiles’ right shoulder and they both just stood there; the coolness from the open door of the refrigerator washed over both of them.  Stiles slowly raised his left hand and grazed Derek’s fingers gently with his own.

The apartment door rattled and Scott marched into the apartment.  Stiles quickly dropped his hand and Derek moved away.  The smell of burgers and fries coming from the takeout bag Scott was holding filled the room.  Without saying a word, Scott placed the bag on the couch and headed straight to the TV.  Derek heard the familiar sound of the Warner Brothers music and then the Looney Tunes theme started up.

Stiles gave a small smile and Scott went over and pulled him into a hug.  Derek just watched, feeling useless, as Scott seemed to be able to fix everything without even saying a word.  Scott led his friend over to the lounge and handed him a foil wrapped burger before they both flopped down onto the couch.

Derek just stayed standing in the kitchen, unsure of what his role was here.  Scott and Stiles were really Scott&Stiles when they were together, they didn’t need anything else.  He felt Stiles’ eyes on him.

“Get over here and enjoy the wonder that is the Bugs Bunny/Roadrunner Movie,” Stiles said with a little nod of his head to indicate the seat beside him.

Derek sat down and Stiles handed him a burger.  If their fingers touched for a little longer than is necessary – well, Derek was not going to focus on that.

 

 

 **Next Time:**   Stiles pushes things too far; Derek finally snaps.


End file.
